You're out of touch

I have to learn how to use money. American money is, I swear, designed to confuse the tourist.

Firstly, the coins aren't easily identifiable. And even if you inspect them, they say things like 'nickel' and 'dime'. I mean, what is that in numerical terms? Please tell me.

The notes are worse. Just bunches of green pieces of samey-looking paper with odd drawings.

Paying has become a stressful experience. I'd sum this up in Starbucks on Friday morning, near my office. I was queuing up with about (literally) 12 other Manhattanites, with my 3.75 all figured out and ready to pay (three quarter dollars. Even I could work that out). Problem was, I assumed they'd included tax.

When I eventually came to pay, it turned out the bill was 4.06. I mean, I don't even know what you call a '5' and a '1', let alone how they look. Panicking, I handed over bills to the cashier.
Cashier [camply] "But you've got change!"
Me [unconvincingly] "No I don't."
Cashier "Look - I can see it in your purse"
Me [shame creeping up like a rash, hesitantly] "I don't know which coins are which"
Cashier [patronisingly] "Give your purse to me. See - you want the one with Lincoln memorial."
Me [Skulks off. As if I even know what the Lincoln memorial looks like]

The humiliation was complete when my coffee turned up first because I had ordered a normal (i.e not low fat) latte. I enquired of the other 12 people waiting if it belonged to them (such was my surprise it came to quickly), but instead they simply shook their heads in horror and looked disgusted as I ran away with my big fat lard ass coffee.

Humiliation complete.